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Maraea Teepa:

Kia ora, nau mai ki tēnei wāhanga, tēnei te mihi ki a tātou i te ata nei. Hei tīmata i tō tātou wāhanga kōrero me tuku i ētahi kōrero. Tukua kia tū takitahi ngā whetū o te rangi. Let each of the stars in the sky shine in our own light.

Tēnei ka mihi. Ko Maraea Teepa tēnei mai i Te Whānau o Tākai e mihi kau nei ki a tātou i te ata. Kia ora, I’m Maraea Teepa and I’ll be hosting our kōrero today.

Our kōrero is an awesome kaupapa, and it talks about each mokopuna carries the mauri, the mana, the tapu of their whakapapa and their tīpuna. This whenu session is all about aroha, our aroha in action, and how we keep tamariki and mokopuna safe during the summer. Being a parent, a kaitiaki, is quite stressful. Kaumātua, kuia, aunties, uncles, and cuzzies can all be part of supporting whānau and parents and kaitiaki to relieve that stress. We can start creating mokopuna safe spaces within our own kāinga, around our marae, and all our whānau celebrations especially i te wā o te raumati, in the summer. Creating strong supportive networks means parents and kaitiaki can feel safe, and also be able to find somewhere to ask for help when they need it, at these times of raumati - in the summertime.

We’ll hear from an awesome panel of Puru Taitama that we’ve collected around the motu that are leaders in their community, and they’ll talk about how they support whānau, and their own whānau around keeping mokopuna safe. We’ll talk to them about making whānau tikanga; just small whānau tikanga that other whānau could possibly, already may have their own tikanga, but just talk about some really good examples, and have a good kōrero today.

Now, we’ve got a Q&A panel there, so we will be having Q&A at the end of the kōrero. So, at any time put in any pātai that you might have, and you might want to ask our panellists, and we’ll try and get to all of our pātai. If not we will try and answer everyone through the chat. Actually, through the Q&A chat. Tēnei ka haere tātou ki ngā kōrero. Don’t forget, even in the chat, let us know where you’re beaming in from, and some things you like to do you with your own whānau, and what are your own whānau tikanga around keeping mokopuna safe.

Hei tīmata i ā tātou kaikōrero, let’s introduce them. Our first kaikōrero, he uri nō te Moana o Hamoa, ko Tampy Bernard. Tampy is our Whānau To Whānau coach for Talking Matters. He’s a pāpā of four, and he’s been a strong advocate in the union space, especially supporting Māori and Pacific in workplace. Tampy is a fluent speaker of te reo o Hamoa. Tēnei te mihi ki a Tampy.

Ko tō tātou kaikōrero tuarua, ko Anthony-Quinn Cowley. He uri nō Ngāti Tūwharetoa me Ngāti Porou. Anthony is a pāpā, an awesome pāpā, and he also is a Talking Matters community activator based in Te Whakatōhea in Ōpōtiki. He’s got a passion for te reo, tikanga, haka, and really supports whānau thriving.

And our last kaikōrero i runga i tō tātou panel, ko Tautoko Ratu. He uri nō Te Ātiawa, Ngāti Maniapoto born and raised, as he would say, “Te Pito o Te Ao”, Te Pā o Waiwhetū, a descendant of Te Ātiawa, Ngāti Maniapoto. Tautoko is a husband, a father of six tamariki, and one beautiful mokopuna. Parenting often has it’s challenges, but however, Tautoko has a beautiful wife, that they have a shared equal role. Tautoko is also responsible for managing the hostel of students at Te Aute.

Tēnei e whakapuaki nei i tō tātou ata, and these are our beautiful panellists, our Puru Taitama with their awesome wāhine toa that are joining them today.

Hei tīmata ā tātou kōrero, don’t forget at any time chuck it in the chat where you’re coming in from, but we’re going to get straight into the kōrero, and I’m just going to put it out to my brothers actually, that support my sisters and a lot of my wāhine to be awesome mommas, to be awesome aunties. Kua tae tātou ki te wā o te raumati. We’ve come to summer. What are some of the challenges that whānau and tamariki are experiencing at this time. I’ll probably push this out to you Tampy.

Tampy Bernard:

Kia ora koutou. Lovely to be here. Yeah, this time of the year whānau are feeling a bit anxious. We’re all getting a bit tired the year’s coming to an end. I think there’s a bit of anxiety going on as well, with the holiday seasons coming up; where we’re going to be, who we’re going to be surround by, the kids. We’ve got to make sure our tamariki are all safe and looked after and catered to as well, as much as we need our health and wellbeing as well around this time. It’s coming into a time at the moment where whānau are starting to think about ‘where-to’ for Christmas, what happens in the holidays coming up; where are we going to be. I often think about, ‘are we going to be comfortable, are we going to be safe, also can we contribute in some way to where we’re going to be’, and things like that. That’s what I’m feeling and that’s what I’m seeing with whānau that I’m with at the moment. Āe. Kia ora.

Maraea Teepa:

Kia ora Tampy. Pēhea i a koe Anthony, what are your whakaaro around that pātai?

Anthony-Quinn Cowley:

Āe. Kia ora tātou. I’ll go back to our maramataka, around that particular time, and what our maramataka actually says around that time. Around that 24th, 25th of the month there’s always the heightened emotions, heightened energies, and heightened everything within the whānau, and trying to navigate that while being in that mauri can be very, very stressful for a lot of our whānau, and actually noticing it and acknowledging that time, around that time, where like Tampy said, all our whānau are having to come together. They’re having to figure out where they’re going to, and actually who’s going to be coming to their whare, and if they can actually provide for the whānau who are coming to their whare, to spend Christmas time with them. Āe. Kia ora.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai, and that’s a big one because we have new people coming into our kāinga and we’re thinking about how do we keep our tamariki and our own selves safe, but Tautoko, for you, you’ve got a huge big whānau working at Te Aute and looking after the boys throughout the year. What are some of the challenges that you’re seeing for some of the whānau out there?

Tautoko Ratu:

At this time of the year, as my co–panellists have mentioned, we are winding up at the end of the year, coming to the end of the season I guess of Te Aute. And yes, the stresses are there for whānau, but we can also look at it through a maramataka lens, a te ao Māori lens, and say we’re halfway through the year, and it’s exciting. So the energy levels for us and our whānau, are starting to rise and look forward to the break, and focus our energies on our tamariki, and celebrate this time of the year, tēnei kaupeka o te maramataka. So the summer season, the festivities are in our view as a whānau, is a time to really celebrate, let our hair out, and celebrate our tamariki and our whānau, and of course share aroha, but mindful as well of our whānau, especially our boys here from Te Aute who are travelling home; who are moving between different environments.

So they’ve been here for the last sort of nine weeks, in this environment. They travel home to a new environment or their environment at home, and being able to adjust themselves from what they know here to what life is like at home, and that could somewhat be different to what’s been their norm growing up. I’ve encourage our tāne from Te Aute to take their learnings from Te Aute, and instil them at home and help create some new tikanga at home. Whether that be cleaning around the home early in the morning, doing those chores for māmā and pāpā without being asked, and relieving some of that stress on our whānau, so that māmā and pāpā can give the energy to their whānau, their siblings, their wider whānau without any of that undue stress that can sometimes fall upon our mātua at this time of the season.

Maraea Teepa:

That’s a big one. That pressure of having our older tamariki hoki mai ki te kāinga and those new environments, and new environments and new people coming in. So, thinking about how do we create whānau tikanga. You mentioned a little bit there Tautoko around that, but we also know that it’s fine to talk about that whānau have parties, and we will have parties in the raumati. How do you all, all three of you because you’s are all fathers; how do you keep our tamariki safe? What are your whānau tikanga when it comes to having festive parties, i te wā o te raumati?

Anthony-Quinn Cowley:

Āe, ko au te rangatahi, and in my upbringing there was always that one person or that one whānau member who would necessarily look after the wider tamariki while, ko te patitia tērā, while the party is going on. There was always that one whānau member, or a couple of whānau members who wouldn’t necessarily not drink, and but would actually enjoy just being with the tamariki ki roto i te kāinga. From that, the moments that can happen from that person looking after those tamariki, is actually really powerful for those tamariki to have that one person that’s got a calm brain; that can talk and communicate with the tamariki around; oh, māmā and pāpā are out in the garage having a party, oh when pēpi wants to always go out and annoy māmā and pāpā; How do we kōrero to them to make them feel safe around those moments? So there was always that one person who would actually be available to look after our tamariki, while all of those things were going and happening around that time.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai. Pēhea i a koe Tampy? What are some of your whānau tikanga around partying, and in the summer.

Tampy Bernard:

Āe. Yeah, kia ora sis. It’s just off the tail-end of what Ant was saying, and same thing; respectful boundaries. Usually we try and keep the adults kind of separated, like Ant was saying, in the garage or downstairs, and we try and keep our tamariki in the whare. We’ve done that quite recently. We’ve been away, the kids are up in the house, the elders are down there; the alcohols there, whatever, some kōreros going on, and that’s okay. That sort of thing; having someone there with, as Ant was saying, the straight mind. It’s usually the older siblings, or the older cuzzies. You’ve always got someone who’s responsible who can communicate, but I think it’s about communication is everything around that time, and sort of having a pre-discussion about what’s happening, who’s coming, and I think that’s important; know who’s coming to the whare, and who’s coming to the party.

Is it someone who’s disruptive and after a couple starts saying the wrong things. You must think wider about who is coming, and often try not to get too many surprises. The tikanga is also we don’t want anyone else but the immediate whānau to come, or bring that friend because we know them. Otherwise, we don’t want any surprises from people turning up. It’s all about the kids; put them at the centre. That’s what we like to do. Know where to go if something does go down. For some people it might be a neighbour, it might somewhere down the street, a park you can go too. Just make sure you’ve got some credit on your phone, or if you don’t have credit, some Wi-Fi that can reach out to somebody that you know. Things like that, and just keeping our tamariki safe; go to the toilet in pairs. Just be mindful of each other. Āe. Kia ora.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai, and I know Tautoko, you’ve got a big whānau, and like all of us, a huge whānau. You’ve got some beautiful – I think you have three under three kōtiro in your kāinga, and it’s really interesting when we think about the safety and setting some whānau tikanga. Do you have whānau tikanga with your whānau around their mana of their tinana? How do we look after making sure our kids know their mana around their own body?

Tautoko Ratu:

Kia ora tuahine, and like my fellow panellists; communication, ko te wānanga te mea nui. That’s the conversations that we have during the day, not at night time, that really influence what happens at night time, and tika tāu, te tuahine, te mana o te tangata, te mana o te wahine is very important, and yes, having three daughters under the age of three is something we’re very mindful of. We’re fortunate as well, to have three boys over, I guess, or almost teenagers, but 17, 13, and 9, and they understand what their responsibility is, become time when we have to separate adults and the tamariki, and they have that responsibility because they are at that age when they know how to bath the children; how to bath the girls, how to dress them, and how to tiaki them and make sure they go to bed in their allocated spaces. Our tikanga is that our boys put them to bed, and they sleep with their sisters, and every other tamariki that’s there; they all have their wāhi moe as well. Communication is the key.

Our wānanga that we have throughout the day influences what we do in the evening, influences what we do during the day. So, when we’re looking at activities to do throughout the day they are shared kōrero, and while we’re out there doing our activities, i roto i te taiao, that’s when we wānanga about all these kaupapa. We don’t just leave it for at night time, and place that responsibility on that adult who likes to be with the tamariki, who likes to entertain the tamariki, because we all have those one or two adults or whānau members that prefer to be with the tamariki, play the guitar, do some little kapahaka skits, or do whatever it is to keep them happy. Another important part of it is that when we give the energy to our tamariki, our mokopuna throughout the day, come after dinnertime they start to wain like the maramataka, and their energies start to sort of diminish. So, it’s time, like the routine that you would have at home with the tamariki; don’t break it and don’t change it too much. Stick to it as much as possible because that’s what their body clock is, and our tamariki aren’t as resilient as us as adults, to move between different environments and change the body clock just on the hop. So, maintaining some form of routine and normality, and wānanga; communication is key to tiaki i a tātou katoa.

Maraea Teepa:

That’s beautiful because that’s what we talk about, is that routine and how important routine is even i te wā o te raumati and we’ve got the light is still shining. Kua waru karaka, it’s eight o’clock, and the sun is shining and it’s like how important routine is. Tampy, how important is routine for your whānau in the summer, and the whānau that you work with?

Tampy Bernard:

Yeah, as Tautoko has shared. It is very important. Keeping routine, it just makes life easier. It’s something that our tamariki are familiar with; even down to foods, down to times of moe, times to transition into the different emotions, it’s karakia time; let’s transition into a more calmer space here. When you keep your routines in check, the things for me even in my own whānau; they run easier because kids are familiar with that, and when you know something that’s familiar you feel safe in that environment. And if you’re going to be outside of that let’s discuss that; let’s discuss that and what that’s going to look like. But yeah, I think routines are everything, and when you’re slightly out of routine things can be exciting as well, but there’s also safety factors and how that’s going to be different, but keep your routines, the festive season, you’re just going to find it a lot easier to get tamariki into bed. All that sort of thing. The puku’s are full; they’re happy, they can play until they get tired. Āe.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai. One kaupapa when I’m thinking about routines is even te reo that we use. The language that we use when we wānanga with our tamariki, Tautoko talks about that a lot. Some of the wānanga that I had with my own nieces and nephews is talking about their bodies, and the mana of their tinana. I had a niece come back, and she goes, “Oh, my daddy’s bollos.” I was like, “Oh, do you know what a bollo’s is?” She’s like, “No, oh yes.” I said, “Well, a bollos is a penis, and what does mum have?” “She has a tonetone.” I said, “Oh, you know a tonetone is a vagina.” The reason why I continue to use proper words plus whānau words, is that we need to make sure that our tamariki can communicate if something happens.

Summertime is a time where we’re free; we’re usually stripping off our babies, and where they see the different parts of the beautiful body that they have, or their cuzzie has. So it’s around how do you promote celebrating the body of our tamariki. What about you Anthony, how do you promote celebrating, because this is the time where our kids are stripping off, especially in the Whakatōhea, it’s nice and hot in the Eastern Bay of Plenty! What are some of the tikanga that you do around supporting that growth and te reo and knowledge? Because you’s are Talking Matters, like how do you promote whānau kupu, like tonetone, and bollos, and using words like penis and vagina?

Anthony-Quinn Cowley:

Āe, all those kupu, eh, all those kupu that we know of in our own kāinga, in our own whānau. We’ve got all these different kupu for what our private parts all mean to us, and going back to te mana o te tinana. Te mana o te tinana means to communicate about what your tinana means to you, and how that pēpi and how our tamariki see their own tinana as well. Like, even to go and take your daughter’s undies off, you need to tell them that you are taking their undies off, and, “We’re going to tīni tō kākahu. We’re going to change into some togs.” Rather than just going in and pulling their undies down, or pulling their top off and they don’t know what exactly you’re doing, because that can be contributing to some of those things that we know of later on in life, and how the mana of the body actually relates to us in kōrero. Some of our kupu that we like to use in our kāinga, and our whānau, is tero, teroteros. We use terotero as a form of saying that’s our intestines, that’s our puku, ki roto i te tinana. Me te, ko wai aha ngā kupu? Ko... um. Oh, koirā ngā kupu katoa, nē? So all those kupu that we know of is all pertaining, but it’s kind of using that simple language to get across the points that we need too, to our tamariki. Āe.

Maraea Teepa:

It definitely brings up that safety, so they know when you’re undressing them that that’s the way it should be. That they feel safe, and that’s what I hear from you. Thinking about safety, we’ve talked a bit about some whānau tikanga that you all have, and around parties, but also even meeting new people. Well, think about that wider community. A lot of our pāpā, i te wā o te raumati, they struggle at this time. There’s not much support for the pāpās. What are some of the things that you see for pāpā in this time, Anthony?

Anthony-Quinn Cowley:

Āe. It’s about acknowledging those heightened emotions. Those heightened celebration times when pāpā either has to still go to mahi, still think about buying kai, still think about buying presents for the tamariki. It can be very stressful for pāpā around this time, and I suppose just getting that whānau support, but being able to put it out there to papas that everyday is about giving to our tamariki. Every single day is about giving to our tamariki and not just Christmas time, and not just their birthdays, but it’s about every day how we give to our tamariki. For some of us it’s about coming to Christmas time, there’s always that, ‘I must give. I’ve got to give my tamariki this, got to give my tamariki that’. All of these things; emotions, start coming in and flooding in very, very quickly over that time. So by putting it out there for papas that they don’t need to be in that stressful time. They don’t need to put their mind and whakaaro into that stressful moment. So, just being able to acknowledge that you are giving to your tamariki every single day of the year.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai, and that’s a huge one, is like time is such a gift. It’s a priceless gift having a pāpā, or having a male in your life, as you’re growing up as a tamaiti whether it’s koro or an uncle, and those people that support you. Thinking about that Tampy, I was thinking about looking at parents especially that are co-parenting, and you might have seen some situations, or worked with some pāpā that are co-parenting with māmā. What are the best things that you’ve seen in communities around how they can better communicate to each other for mokopuna, for the tamariki?

Tampy Bernard:

Āe, kia ora. That’s really important. Whatever your differences are, because we all do have our differences, and if you are co-parenting put the child at the centre. Put your selfish needs or your expectations to the side. Just underpinning everything you do, everything you do with your tamariki with love and aroha, is the way to do things. It doesn’t have to be monetary. It can just be walks, talks, and doing things together. That’s the most important thing. To communicate with your child, to show your child love and emotions. For myself, there isn’t too much support out there for fathers if I’m being honest. I can’t really run things off the top of my head of where I’d go. I’d go to my brothers, my siblings. Other people go to their grandparents’, or a close work colleague, but also men are very staunch and don’t want to show emotions.

We seem to think we’ve got to keep it together, and that can be our underdoing as well. So it’s always good to talk to somebody close to you; someone you can trust, and someone who’s going to listen. It’s no use in saying things to people and then they’re not listening. So support networks out there; who you trust, whoever that might be, and talk, talk is important. I’d say communication is everything, and as Ant was saying, we teach love, affection, and giving all throughout the year, and let’s face it, times are hard and no-one’s going to have pūtea in the back pocket as much as we have in the past, and it’s not all about that. It’s just about coming together at a time, celebrating the energy, seeing faces you haven’t seen in a long time, and enjoying the love. Kia ora.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai, and I think that’s a cool kōrero you talked about; staunch. The most not staunchest guy, pāpā that I know is Tautoko Ratu. He may look staunch, but he’s like the biggest teddy bear out there. When we’re thinking about the wellbeing and mental health of our pāpās, and our tāne out there. What are some of those things that you do Tautoko that aren’t too staunch, but you roll in the staunch realms, that you do to support your own wellbeing and ora of a lot of pāpā out there?

Tautoko Ratu:

We have our mātāpono, our values within our whānau, and our tamariki are paramount; they are number one, and ahakoa te aha, no matter what. As we know money will not buy you happiness, but what we do have an abundance of and an infinite amount of is aroha, and that’s up to us to learn to grow within us, and likewise to those of us who have that, is being able to influence or to share that experience with some of our pāpā who are either single, or struggling with co-parenting, and when they come into your space it’s quite easy to recognise the struggles in people, and especially our pāpā. If you are a pāpā you can recognise that within a pāpā, but to be that shoulder like Tampy has mentioned; to be that ear. To be that empath is very important in how your influence your fellow cousins, your whānau, friends that they bring along. It’s very important, and like Tampy, I don’t know off the top of my head who services are that pāpā can turn too. The most important people to turn to are your whānau, and it’s important that you have those connections throughout your life and not just when the festive season turns up.

So, the communication isn’t just something that happens at the festive season. This is a continuum of life. Whanaungatanga is important throughout life. For it is your whānau at the end of the day who will be there to pick you up when you are down. Not a service, not a vehicle with sirens on it. You can only turn to your whānau, and your whānau as well; I encourage our whānau to recognise the importance for those of us who have some stability in life, to understand and learn how to reach out to some of our whānau who are struggling a bit. Who are a little bit beneath the breadline, and to know that commercialism isn’t going to bring happiness to you or your tamariki. The taiao has many resources. Our communities have many resources, and what we see now amongst our social media platforms, is that a lot of people are giving, and if we don’t abuse I guess that system, a lot of people will come out and say, “Hey, I’ve got this.” Kaua e whakamā ki te pātai. Don’t be scared to ask and reach out for help.

It is a lot normal now for people to reach out, but we still have some of our whānau who are whakamā, and when we see those whānau who are whakamā, we reach out to them and we pull them in. Pull them into your embrace. Pull them into your ngākau, and share your ngākau and your aroha with them, and bring them into your tamariki, and show them what positive parenting can look like, and positive partying can look like. So that they understand how to take those learnings to their environment, because after all, the sort of visiting they’re doing during the festival time, but it’s an easy way to influence our whānau, by getting them to feel your vibe, your tikanga, your mauri and so that can grow in their space.

Maraea Teepa:

I think that’s a beautiful kōrero that you talked about; their mauri, your mauri, the mauri of the whānau, and whether that’s whakapapa whānau or your whānau, kaupapa whānau, your waka ama, your haka whānau, the people that you trust, and you guys talked heaps about it. Thinking about that we delved into some of those parenting spaces and what works for you, and how people can actually find their own support if there’s no support, because we know the services usually close down but aren’t really catered for pāpā like we have mentioned.

One of the cool things especially in this part is around sharing your knowledge around your ‘low cost no cost’ activities that you can do with your tamariki and whānau during the raumati. So we might go around and see what are your low cost or no cost activities that you do with your whānau, that really talks about the mahi that you love to do as being whānau. Kei a koe Tautoko.

Tautoko Ratu:

In these recent years my wife and I have been really delving into diving into the low cost no cost type activities for our tamariki, given that we have six tamariki. We’re sticklers for packing a chilly bin of kai; whether it’s the leftovers from dinner or some of the kai sitting around. We might just have to go and buy a bag of chips or something to go with our kai for the day, and finding a spot. Do some homework before; whether you’re travelling or within your own home. If you’re not travelling and you’re still within your takiwā, and be creative but step outside your norm, and go and explore some of those spaces that you wouldn’t rather normally explore. Take your chilly bin, take some cooked kai, and share that moment with your tamariki, and you’ll expend a lot of energy with your tamariki. They will expend a lot of energy going to the ngahere; do some walking tracks.

A lot of the walking tracks around the motu now are so awesome, and local councils, regional councils have done awesome jobs of providing those spaces free of charge to our whānau, and there are spaces where there’s no cost barbeques. Just turn up, take your tongs, take you fish slice, a little bit of oil and some paper, and a bottle of water to clean the barbeque. It’s simple. Turn that barbeque on, get it hot; get the hotplate hot, put some water on there, wipe it down with the paper and then oil it up and you’re away. Fry some sausages and eggs, or some boiled eggs to take with you, and kids are easy to please. As long as they got a sausage and some tomato sauce, and an egg or boiled eggs, and some chippies they are happy as can be. Happy as Larry, and that’s a couple of bucks here and there.

Go to the river, do some rock stacking, and if you have some kōrero, local knowledge. Well, if you’re in another takiwā and you find the local that can share some knowledge, take that opportunity and sit there and marvel at the environment that you’re in, and marvel at the iwi or the people, the whole kāinga, and in what they do to preserve their environment, and see what you can do to contribute while you’re there, if it’s picking up some rubbish. There’s a lot of teachings that we can teach our tamariki, so they can learn to respect others as well as respecting themselves, and understanding that connection of mauri, o te tangata ki te taiao.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai. Kia ora e te tungāne, and over to you Tampy. What does that look like in te ao Pasifika, and stuff for any low cost no cost activities that you love to do with your whānau, that you’d love other whānau to do or they’re already doing?

Tampy Bernard:

Āe, much the same as Tautoko. If you’ve got food leftover let’s pack that up, but I think the communication too, with your tamariki is also key as well, to let them know that what we’re going to do, and get their input. When you get them involved, and stop doing all the planning from the parent level, you’ll find that things are going to run a lot smoother because that’s how they feel too, ‘oh, I don’t feel like doing that today. I don’t really feel like walking, I’ve got a bit of a headache’.

All that sort of thing. But, āe, using what’s around you, the taiao is awesome. I’ve got Maungakiekie in the background here as my backdrop, and fortunately that’s not too far from my fale. So, walking up there to see the hipi and the kau and stuff like that, walking around. It fascinates my little guy, he’s four, and everyone else just loves it. You find when you walk and talk you don’t feel the distance. You’re actually spending quality time. You don’t really get to have that kōrero with your kids a lot of the time because lives so busy, but when you find you’re an environment where it cost nothing to walk around these regional parks, these council areas and stuff, use those. Beaches, flap out a towel, just lie there, and the treat’s going to be an ice block later.

But involving them in what you’re planning. It doesn’t have to be about money, and we’re the same. We got on Matua Google, and we check out what’s free, what’s happening in Tāmaki Makaurau. Where can we go to, what sort of celebrations? Different cultures are celebrating different things too that we must be mindful of. So we can join in there; we can learn things. We can teach our tamariki those things as well, with different cultures while we’re out, but being together is the main thing for us; just being together in any space is the main thing. When we’re together that’s where we can find happiness, and we can adapt to how the day is tracking. We can change and pivot to different things. Āe.

Maraea Teepa:

Rawe, and I think that’s the cool thing is like you can do heaps of different things and there’s such a huge range, and even in Te Whakatōhea, what do you do? I know there’s heaps of little activities. So you might want to talk a few things that you’s do.

Anthony-Quinn Cowley:

It’s quite different being from Ngāti Tūwharetoa when you go back into the middle of the central north island, and all there is just lakes and mountains around, but there’s so much potential just to go out, and go to the different sites, and like what our brothers have been saying, just to go out, but within Te Whakatōhea, and then on that side is the beaches. So you’ve got beaches and it’s always fishing; all the whānau are out at the beaches if it’s a sun shining day. Sometimes it’s raining on Christmas day, and it’s still a summer day, but we have our whānau that will retreat to their own kāinga; Tōrere, Ōpape, all down Te Whānau-ā-Apanui. So, all along that way, and we all know that a lot of whānau will retreat back to those ways, to come back to the coast, because of that beach, because they want that area of just beach.

For us as a whānau, sometimes, and if you’re not a whānau that like to go out; I’d like to point out, it's okay just to be at home. It’s okay just to be at home doing absolutely kore. It’s okay to be just reading a book at home if Christmas is not your thing. I just wanted to point that out to papas. It’s not always you go out, you must do this, you must do that, you must to that, because come the next day you’re going to have to find something else to do, to go out and do. For our whānau, back on the coast, it’s almost like we go out and visit other whānau with our kai. The next day we’ll take a kai on that day, and we might go to another whānau’s kāinga, have a Christmas with them, have a paku kōrero or a kai with them. Those small things that really matter to us about coming together, being together, and really looking out for one another over that time as well. Kia ora.

Maraea Teepa:

That’s the main thing is that we’re looking out and noticing our whānau. Now whānau, if you’re watching us we’re coming up to question and answer time. Don’t forget put it in the Q&A, any pātai, and I’ll get the panel of expert, play experts here, pāpā experts, community experts to help us answer some of those questions.

Heaps of our kōrero has been around te raumati, around papas. If you were to say one kaupapa, each of you, that summarises what it’s like to be a pāpā. That’d be awesome to finish up tēnei wāhanga. Kei a koe Tampy.

Tampy Bernard:

Kia ora. Kia ora sis. For me, it really is just an honour to be able to breathe life into this world. There’s part of me; my legacy will live on through my kids. Āe, for me it’s an honour, and I don’t take that lightly. Kia ora, summarised.

Maraea Teepa:

Summarised, what a great summary. Anthony, pēhea i a koe? What’s the best thing about being a pāpā or being a provider?

Anthony-Quinn Cowley:

Āe, and I guess having two tamāhine, one 15, the other one four years old. It’s about giving back. It’s about what I can give to my two tamāhine. Even though one of them I haven’t had in my life; well, she hasn’t been in my life for a very long time, but still knowing that she’s my daughter and knowing that I’m her pāpā as well, but also being able to give back to my four year old, my whāngai, has been the blessing of my life. Has been the blessing of my life. I would not turn back the clock for anything at this point, at this stage, but being a pāpā and just being a kaitiaki, being an uncle to all of my nieces and nephews, it says a lot. It says a lot; how respected you are as that male figure for all of your tamariki, and for all of your nieces and nephews. It’s not just about being a pāpā, but it’s actually been about a role model for your own whānau. Āe, kia ora.

Maraea Teepa:

Kia ora, Anthony. Ki a koe e te tungāne, Tautoko.

Tautoko Ratu:

Auē, it’s hard to come off the back of the brothers. It’s taken the words out of my mouth. Heoi, tautoko ana i ngā kōrero. It is a privilege, it’s an honour to be a father. To contribute to the continuation of your whakapapa, and those that have gone before us. That is the honour, but what we do within this space as pāpā, to perpetuate longevity of your whakapapa, and to ensure that you are that role model. You are that āhuru mōwai for your tamariki, for your nieces, for your nephews, and most of all being a supportive husband, and making sure that I can relief as much stress that I can from my wife, because they are paramount in our world, our wāhine, and what we do to protect them and our tamariki, for me, is at the forefront of what I do as a pāpā.

I respect that, and I respect our wāhine, and I really look forward every day to celebrating with my tamariki, and having fun some way shape or form, and looking forward to the festive season, and I hope everyone too. If you’re a bit like me and procrastinate here and there. Actually, I’ll say I procrastinate all the time, but I’m like a Kiwi and grow some wings and fly, and use our experiences. Reach into our kitty to be that positive pāpā, to be positive parents. To influence others, and to being others along on the journey. If they’ve not quite got the whole of that hoe in the waka, hand it to them and say, “This is how we paddle, this is how we go forward.” And everything for everyone will be just a blessing.

Maraea Teepa:

Tēnei ka mihi ki a tātou e ngā whanaunga i whai wāhi mai ki te kōrero ki a tātou. Engari, kare e mutu i konei. Thank you to our awesome panellists, but we aren’t finished right now. We’ve got a few questions, and anyone can just pop it in the Q&A right at the bottom of your screen. If you’re in the Zoom you can do it there, or chuck it in the chat if you’re on Facebook, and we’ll transfer it over, so I can ask a few questions. Now, these questions, we’ve got a few questions, and I’ll just leave it up, mā tēnā kāhui hiko. I’ll leave it up to you all to figure out who can answer it, or everyone can answer it.

So our first pātai, it’s anonymous, and it is: what is the best things to check-in with our whānau for their safety plan over the holiday period? What are some checklists I think it is; what are some of those checklists that you might put in your own checklist to make a whānau plan?

Tautoko Ratu:

We’re not all jumping in, so I’ll just try and jump in. What we do as a whānau; we’ve got some set tikanga within our wider whānau, and leading into the festive season for my wider whānau, my mum, my sister and all our tamariki; our check-in is a pre-Christmas dinner, because it’s not guaranteed that we’ll be at the same Christmas table every Christmas season. We always check-in. We take time to kai together, to kōrero together and understand what everyone is up too, and where we can provide support that’s what we do, and we can give suggestions, but also, we ask questions of each other and where we’re going too; who are the whānau we’re going too, and what are some of those tikanga like we’ve spoken about, that are in place to ensure that our nieces and nephews are taken care of, or our brother-in-law, our sister-in-law, the sister and the bro are taken care of. So we know within our hearts that when they leave us for the festive season, we leave each other, we go our own ways; we know within our heart we’re all safe, and that’s how we sort of check-in with each other, and go to through our checklist.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai, and this is a quick pātai, or actually a big pātai from Rebecca Fraser. Kia ora Rebecca. She’s loving the kōrero. She talks about, “Our organisation is thinking about particularly keeping those tamariki safe who are takatāpui or Rainbow. When there are lots of whānau around there are different ideas about how okay it is to be takatāpui. What kind of things could we think about to support whānau to be safe for these tamariki?” So it’s thinking about our Rainbow takatāpui tamariki, when we probably have these beautiful tamariki in our whānau. So what are some ideas and stuff that we can support Rebecca and her whānau in this space?

Anthony-Quinn Cowley:

Kia ora. I’ll answer that question for you, koutou mā. Yeah, very hard, a hard pātai actually to answer. All our tamariki are the same whether they’re takatāpui or Rainbow. All of our tamariki need to be looked after in one way or another, and I guess however that support comes for those takatāpui or Rainbow tamariki; we don’t necessarily see them as just takatāpui or Rainbow. It’s actually inclusive of all whānau being able to look after all whānau at once, and sometimes it can be hard to have those conversations with whānau. It’s choosing who their trusted whānau can be to have that kōrero with. Rebecca, just to answer your pātai. For myself it was necessarily all of that, was finding that trusted person that you can be around to have those kōrero, but also to be able to feel trusted around other whānau.

Tautoko Ratu:

Can I add to your kōrero e hoa? I’d share a recent experience that we had in our whānau in the last school holidays, and on our way back from a wānanga up the Far North, i Te Tai Tokerau. We had a nephew with us, and we slept over in Orewa, on the way home, and my wife was having a kōrero to our nephew alongside of our two sons, and they’re all close to each other, and my wife did ask the pātai of our nephew, “Are you takatāpui, are you a cross-dresser or do you prefer to dress straight, and what are your whakaaro, what are your aronga, what is your thinking?” It was beautiful for him to share that with my wife, but what he had also done prior to my wife asking the question, without us knowing, he shared that with his cousin, our son, and they’re the same age. So, having someone that he can trust, like our son; he shared that with him. That is something that we treasure; that he can trust our whānau, and it’s been I guess our task, our challenge in how we share that kōrero with his parents, with his nanny and koroua, and we’ve slowly done that over the course of this term. So not to frighten the whānau, or not to say, “Hey, me whakaiti te tamariki. He tamaiti noa te tamaiti, he tangata anō te tangata. Ahakoa te aha, they’re still like us. Preference is a choice, and we want to celebrate that with our nephew, and he knows he has a safe place to come to if ever he is in need. If ever he is in trouble we’ve guaranteed him, “You call us and we’ll be there for you.”

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai. Oh, wow, pai tērā. He pātai anō, and this is from Janice, and this might be one for you Tampy, or Tautoko, with our teenagers. Actually we’ve got a few pāpās with teenagers. Any suggestions for teenagers that get bored?

Tampy Bernard:

Oh, Āe, gee; every day isn’t it. Again, it’s about kōrero; tapping into, “What is it that you want to do for a change?” It might be not something that we want to do particularly on the day but, “What is it that you want to do, tell me about that?” It is keeping the lines of communication open all the time. All the time. I often do that with my kids, and I know that parents I work with do the same. If you’re not asking the questions, if you’re not tapping into the whys, and, “You matter. Let’s explore that.” It could be something totally different that we haven’t done, but let’s do that because that’s what our tamariki want to do. Can I just quickly say off the tail end, and in Pasifika, Samoan, Faʻafafine, it means to be like a woman. So from my culture it’s sort of something that is respected. It comes through if your child starts to dress or feel that way, it’s respected. You act that way, this is the way you are, and that’s celebrated too, for times, because they really do contribute to the family. So we see; we come as a collective. I just thought I’d put that out there quickly with the pātai on that. Yeah, communication with your kids involving them, and really talking to them about what matters.

Maraea Teepa:

I think you all have talk about that, especially whatever age. It’s that communication is like key; wānanga is key to boredom or anything, or keeping safe.

Tautoko Ratu:

Can I just add to that tuahine about our teenagers?

Maraea Teepa:

Āe.

Tautoko Ratu:

Our eldest boy is 17, and our youngest is 18 months, and yes, we have to be mindful of activities that cater for the breadth of that age span. Our communication has been, when we plan our activities, these activities ā-whānau inclusive of all our tamariki, and these are everyone’s role; our teenage boys tiaki i ngā pēpi. But we also guarantee them a time and space where they can do things of their choosing, and one of us adults assign ourselves to go and support our tamariki, or go and have that fun or go and have that moment with them and take them out to do what they want to do, but also being mindful of the devices and influence of devices, and encourage our tamariki to have no device time, or hours, and then encourage them to be like Māui; go out there and be mischief in a safe space, in a safe way. Go and explore the world, and go and have a haututū and go and have a raweke. At the end of the day you won’t break it, you’ll just alter its look and appearance.

Maraea Teepa:

Ka pai, and I think that’s all we have time for, but we do have one more quick pātai, and it’s from Pipa, and it’s talking about our tamariki whai kaha, our tama ariki, our tamariki with disabilities, nē, and usually this is a real pressure time for them, but you’ve basically answered it even in all your kōrero. It’s about talking to our tamariki. Having those conversations, and getting them to design what that could look like for them, and being part of that journey, whether that’s it, but to support, to reduce that whole pressure.

Well, that was an awesome kōrero whānau. Tēnei ka mihi ki a koutou te tokotoru i hāpai nei i tēnei wāhanga, e kore e mimiti te aroha. I really do acknowledge the awesome kōrero we have here, but I better get back into the mahi. A lot of the kōrero that you heard today we actually got from a rauemi that could support you around having safe parties and things like it, and having those conversations is Aroha in Action. Aroha in Action is a collective that was designed by a collective, Amokura, a family violence collective, Amokura, in Te Taitokerau. Just gives you some real simple activities, and kōrero for you to think about. A lot of our kōrero by our panel today was all about Aroha in Action.

Poipoia te Tamaiti is around keeping calm with our tamariki. Another good rauemi to support our mahi. If we’re thinking about how do we support our pāpā, and actually people, there’s also the In Your Hands website that was just recently designed, and it can take you through figuring out actually what’s happening to me, and how can I get support. There’s a service finder tool where you can have a look, and if you’re a bit worried about your own mental health there’s a tāne, that you have tamariki. It’s just a quick survey. You can do it on wherever you are, if you’re in Ruatoki or Wellington, you can find out where those services are. If you just want to speak with tāne, or bring it up, it’s a nice little rauemi and you can basically fit and as you see, it will tell you which providers and services are available for you to support the mahi that you continue to do.

So those are some of the rauemi that we have, and you can scroll right down to the bottom and find all that, but if you want it’s inyourhands.org.nz. You can also find out on the It’s Not Okay website, and Tākai website has heaps of activities to support you, and you catch up with some of our awesome webinars that we held through the year: Mātauranga Māori, Ngā Tohu Whānau, Te Ao Tākaro, the power of play. So just a few spaces and places where you can get other kōrero. Tēnei ka mihi. This is our last for 2022; our last of our whenu sessions.

Tēnei ka mihi ki ō tātou kaikōrero i te ata nei. Ki a koe Anthony, Tampy, Tautoko, tēnei e mihi nei a Tākai ki a koutou katoa; ki a koutou ngā kaiwhakarongo. To all our kaiwhakarongo tēnei te mihi. Ka whakakapi i ngā kōrero i tēnei wāhanga.

Kia tau ki a tātou katoa

O tō tātou Ariki a Ihu Karaiti

Me aroha o te Atua

Me te whiwhingatahitanga o Te Wairua Tapu

Ake, ake, āmine.

Mauri ora. Hei konā.